Festivus for the Rest of Us
You have been named supreme ruler of the universe. Your first order of business is creating and instituting a holiday or festival in your honor. What day of the year is your holiday? What special events will take place? Describe YOUR DAY in as great a detail as you can muster: the special foods we’ll consume, the decorations we’ll use…everything.
(Okay, all you serious-,minded people out there, just relax. I know that God is the only true supreme ruler of the universe He created, but I’m just going to have fun with this goofy prompt, ok? There is no disrespect intended. This is a fairy tale.)
The Supreme Proclamation flashed around the universe faster than thought, and the wildly joyful crowds of people who gathered in every corner hollered, whistled, stomped, clapped, and laughed for joy! A new holiday! Such wonderful news hadn’t been given since the enemies of the universe had been destroyed back in 4015! When that great day was celebrated, holograms of the Universal Empress had flashed, waved, glistened and shone far and wide. Then, the people were celebrating the end of the terrible century-long war. Now, they were celebrating the first decade of universal peace. It was something to shout about!
An annual holiday in honor of Her Highly Admired Eminence! Wow! A special day every year that was set aside in honor of the woman who had finally brought peace to the universe! A day off! Awesome!
Her High Eminence, Universal Empress Linda, had decreed an annual holiday in her own honor. Of course, in her supreme humility, she had resisted such a move for years. She had no desire to see her hologram flashing all across the universe. of course she didn’t. She wanted no special recognition of her incredibly masterful strategy that had ultimately defeated the enemies of peace. Of course she didn’t. She was embarrassed by the paeans of praise that were written and sung in her honor. Of course she was. After all, she was just an ordinary woman who had managed to defeat hordes of evil foes. No big deal, right?
Anyway, the proclamation showed up all over the universe, on every comm-screen that existed, no matter how small or large. Here’s what it said:
Her High Eminence, Empress of the Universe, Linda, has proclaimed that this year and every year to follow forever, on the 12th day of August, the entire universe shall cease and desist from all labor and celebrate the victory of the universe over its evil foes, who are now condemned to the darkest and loneliest corner of the universe.
On this special day, each community across the universe may celebrate as they choose. Suggestions would include parades, plays, holograms, concerts, and re-enactments (not using real weapons, of course) of the final battle that Her High Eminence, Empress of the Universe, Linda, gloriously led and won.
Since Her High Eminence, Empress of the Universe, Linda, has a special fondness for hamburgers, pickles, onions, french fries, corn on the cob, lemon cheesecake, and all forms of chocolate, it would be a good idea for everyone to enjoy those foods with the Empress. Of course, this is not a requirement. All people of the universe are free to enjoy their own favorites.
At 8 p.m. Earth Time, Her High Eminence, Empress of the Universe, Linda, will address the universe via hologram from her home along the Gulf Shore in the State of Alabama. At this momentous moment, she makes only one request:
Please turn off all cell phones and silence all crying children.